you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
