she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
