Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
