He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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