I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
