I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
