3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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