I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
