I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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