my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
