This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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