Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
