I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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