I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
