I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
