There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
