I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
