Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
