I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
