What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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