The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
