Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
