I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
