I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
