I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
