I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
