fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
