mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
