Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
my poor anus
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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