I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
