Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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