I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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