from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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