she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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