The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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