Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
