All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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