I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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