if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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