So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
