Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
