dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
