I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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