I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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