thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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