Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
