I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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