I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
