dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
