OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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