Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
