Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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